May 5, 2011

Men Catfight Too!

Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one.

- - - George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)

Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one. - - - Churchill's reply

Don't be so humble, you're not that great.

- - - Golda Meir (to Moshe Dayan)

Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad.

- - - Donald Trump (to Larry King)

You're like a pay toilet, aren't you? You don't give a shit for nothing.

- - - Howard Hughes (to Robert Mitchum)

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

- - - Don Rickles (to David Letterman on 02/5/96 "Late Show")

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

- - - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

- - - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

He's phony, using his blackness to get his way.

- - - Joe Frazier (about Muhammad Ali)

Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.

- - - Muhammad Ali

His writing is limited to songs for dead blondes.

- - - Keith Richards (about Elton John)

I'm glad I've given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He's pathetic. Like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go on stage and look young. I have great respect for the Stones but they would have been better if they had thrown Keith out 15 years ago. - - - Elton John (about Keith Richards)

If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee.

- - - Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill)

If you were my wife, I'd drink it.

- - - Winston Churchill, in reply

You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease.

- - - John Montague (to John Wilkes)

That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

- - - John Wilkes, in reply

Do you mind if I smoke?

- - - Oscar Wilde (to Sarah Bernhardt)

I don't care if you burn.

- - - Sarah Bernhardt, in reply

My dear Whistler, you leave your pictures in such a sketchy, unfinished state. Why don't you ever finish them?

- - - Frederic Leighton (to James McNeill Whistler)

My dear Leighton, why do you ever begin yours?

- - - James McNeill Whistler, in reply

You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you.

- - - Carly Simon (about Warren Beatty)

The only reason he had a child is so that he can meet babysitters.

- - - David Letterman (about Warren Beatty, 1991)

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of wet toilet paper.

- - - Rex Reed (about Marlon Brando)

Steve Martin has basically one joke and he's it.

- - - Dave Felton

Nothing happens. At all. Ever. Remember when Steve Martin was funny? Apparently, neither does he.

- - - Robert Wilonsk

Well at least he has finally found his true love … what a pity he can't marry himself.

- - - Frank Sinatra (about Robert Redford)

Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts.

- - - Clive James

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