Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one.
- - - George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)
Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one. - - - Churchill's reply
Don't be so humble, you're not that great.
- - - Golda Meir (to Moshe Dayan)
Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad.
- - - Donald Trump (to Larry King)
You're like a pay toilet, aren't you? You don't give a shit for nothing.
- - - Howard Hughes (to Robert Mitchum)
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- - - Don Rickles (to David Letterman on 02/5/96 "Late Show")
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
- - - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
- - - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
He's phony, using his blackness to get his way.
- - - Joe Frazier (about Muhammad Ali)
Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.
- - - Muhammad Ali
His writing is limited to songs for dead blondes.
- - - Keith Richards (about Elton John)
I'm glad I've given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He's pathetic. Like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go on stage and look young. I have great respect for the Stones but they would have been better if they had thrown Keith out 15 years ago. - - - Elton John (about Keith Richards)
If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee.
- - - Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill)
If you were my wife, I'd drink it.
- - - Winston Churchill, in reply
You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease.
- - - John Montague (to John Wilkes)
That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
- - - John Wilkes, in reply
Do you mind if I smoke?
- - - Oscar Wilde (to Sarah Bernhardt)
I don't care if you burn.
- - - Sarah Bernhardt, in reply
My dear Whistler, you leave your pictures in such a sketchy, unfinished state. Why don't you ever finish them?
- - - Frederic Leighton (to James McNeill Whistler)
My dear Leighton, why do you ever begin yours?
- - - James McNeill Whistler, in reply
You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you.
- - - Carly Simon (about Warren Beatty)
The only reason he had a child is so that he can meet babysitters.
- - - David Letterman (about Warren Beatty, 1991)
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of wet toilet paper.
- - - Rex Reed (about Marlon Brando)
Steve Martin has basically one joke and he's it.
- - - Dave Felton
Nothing happens. At all. Ever. Remember when Steve Martin was funny? Apparently, neither does he.
- - - Robert Wilonsk
Well at least he has finally found his true love … what a pity he can't marry himself.
- - - Frank Sinatra (about Robert Redford)
Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts.
- - - Clive James